Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
