You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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