woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
