Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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