i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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