cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
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I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
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No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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