we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
