Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
