Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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