nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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