I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
