I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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