Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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