You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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