at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
