I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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