You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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