happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
so let's talk penis.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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