Moan for me like Helen Keller
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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