My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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