I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
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