dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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