Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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