i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
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studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
foreskin is a definite game changer
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How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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