I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
