He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
