Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
