I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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