I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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