Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
