made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
