i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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