Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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