dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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