I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
