I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
