man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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