she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
