You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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