she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
