If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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