Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
