dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
