God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
