I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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