The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
