I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
