I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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