i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
