I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
