i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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