I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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