She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
