I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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