I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
