I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
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He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
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I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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