The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
