The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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